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Amidst Crisis, EU, US, Other Countries Embrace Progressive Floism (John Eipper, USA, 04/01/13 1:53 am)

Due to the unsustainability of the traditional nation-state model, the UN General Assembly unanimously voted Monday to adopt a single world government under the directorship of Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady.

 

Nominee for World CEO:  Flo

Flo will bring her expertise in public service and cost-cutting to the international stage. She assumes sweeping executive powers, with decision-making authority over local and regional governments, security, economic policy, taxation, commerce and industrial regulation, education, justice, health care, energy development, environmental protection, human rights, cultural affairs, religion, and matters of personal conscience. Flo was also named Commander-in-Chief of the world's armed forces, although this is a secondary role in her vast portfolio, as there is no longer anyone to make war on.

"We're excited to welcome Flo as the new World CEO," said UN spokesperson Stéphane Cort-Né, after the historic General Assembly vote. "Flo is chipper and likeable, with an infectiously perky can-do attitude. Whereas elected officials have become mired in factionalism and inaction, Flo brings to the dictatorship a proven track record of providing breakthrough solutions to significant problems."

Cort-Né added that during a transitional phase of up to eight weeks, all ministries and administrative offices will relocate from Washington, Brussels, Moscow, London, Beijing, Brasília and elsewhere to Mayfield Village, Ohio, just outside Cleveland. "Mayfield is a charming suburban location for the new seat of government. Also, it enjoys the advantages of good schools, plentiful and affordable housing, as well as proximity to the Ohio Turnpike."

A Commitment to Public Service:  Flo

Reached at the White House, former US President Barack H. Obama welcomed the news: "I applaud Flo's effectiveness at bringing positive change for ordinary Americans--and soon for people from every other country, too. As a Progressive with a long background in the private sector, Flo will bridge the political divides that caused so much frustration when I was President. Flo no doubt faces challenges as she takes over the world. Americans are comfortable with insurance companies wielding absolute control of their lives, but people elsewhere may be hesitant: 'What will Flo do for me?' I'm confident, however, that the first time they have a leaky kitchen sink and Flo comes to the rescue, or receive Flo's cheerful help with their next landscaping project, they will change their minds. Flo is spunky and irresistible, even cuddly. She receives my complete support. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to box up these LPs and extra copies of Dreams from My Father."

Germany's ex-Chancellor Angela Merkel agreed with the President: "As the world's most powerful woman until this morning, I am uniquely positioned to appreciate the daunting task awaiting Flo. Naysayers with their narrow, entrenched interests don't know what's good for them, but I urge Flo to remain firm as she puts the world on a sounder economic, political and social footing. I've enjoyed Flo's ubiquitous photographs at tollbooths on the American Autobahnen, and look forward to the arrival of her personality cult in Eurasia. She's quirky, but in a good way, and she'll be a uniting force among Europeans of both the industrious North and the deadbeat, happy-go-lucky South. In her years as an Insurance Lady, Flo has achieved something that always eluded me: giving austerity a happy face. Wilkommen, Frau Flo!"

From the UN Headquarters in New York, which is already being repurposed into upscale co-ops, Cort-Né cautioned that there are still details to be ironed out. How, for example, will we renew Flo's mandate? Annually, semi-annually, or through a convenient e-payment deducted each month from our checking account? And in the finance sphere, the dollar, euro, pound sterling, yen and quetzal will be discontinued within eight weeks, but a new world reserve currency has yet to be named. The obvious choice, the Florin, was rejected as old-fashioned, Cross-of-Gold, and patently un-Progressive. Other possibilities include the Flollar, the Flound, and the current front-runner, the Fluoro [F€], which has the added benefit of promoting strong teeth.

Calls Monday to Flo's 24-hour claims/assistance hotline went unanswered.

 

No Business Like Flo Business:  Flo

JE comments: My heartiest congratulations to Flo; she can certainly count on WAISdom's help as she embarks on this brave new experiment in world governance. We've seen Progressivism before, but has humanity ever attempted a government based on one simple premise: to save you money?

As one might expect, Flo's honeymoon in the dictatorship has been brief. Already we're hearing dissent from the UK in the form of an animated gecko, who is fuming about "imperfect democracy" and placing too much power in the hands of an "unelected, unaccountable bureaucrat." I'd say this is empty, obstructionist rhetoric, especially coming from a lizard. A bigger challenge to Flo's authority comes from Down Under, where a certain Kitty, the Australian Progressive Lady, is promoting her own candidacy for world CEO. Note her physical resemblance to Flo, even down to the apron:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCY4XkyUgoY

(Antipodean, antiFlovian nonsense, in my view.)

Finally, here are a bunch of links. They make any WAIS post more convincing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yptLKA4J9PM

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Flo_(Progressive_Insurance)

http://blogs.houstonpress.com/hairballs/2008/09/the_cult_of_the_progressive_ca.php

http://www.progressive.com

http://www.fanpop.com/clubs/flo

(Not enough links? I'll send you more on request. Happy April 1st to all!)

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